i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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