well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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