An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
