Reggie can tackle my bush.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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