Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
