Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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