I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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