Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
