The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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