What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Buhtt sex?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
