peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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