can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
