i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
