clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
