It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
