I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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