I want to have your abortion
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
