Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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