My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
