If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
