i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
