He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
