I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
