dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
