Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
