what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
