i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize