You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
