Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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