matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Green mimosas i think yes
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
