my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
