If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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