If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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