sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
