i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
