why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
