i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
