My Higher Power is John Stamos
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
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