I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
