Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize