i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
