Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
