Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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