his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
