NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
