I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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