Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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