i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
