Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize