This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
