Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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