Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
