SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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