Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
