I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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