I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
