I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
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