chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
