I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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